“Write drunk, edit sober.”

No offense, Ernest (Can I call you Ernest?), but that’s some stupid advice. That’s the kind of advice you overhear being given from one bro to another, while you sit in the library before dead week.

If we’re being honest here, maybe some better advice would be, “DON’T EVER, EVER, EVER DRINK AND THEN DECIDE TO SHARE YOUR FEELINGS IN ESSAY FORM.” I mean, I get what you meant and all, but do you think that future generations are really going to invest brain power on your stupid advice? NO. LITERALLY NO ONE WILL READ YOUR WORK UNLESS THEY ARE FORCED TO BY A PROFESSOR OR THEIR HIPSTER MOB BOSS.

If you said, “Write like you’re drunk, edit like you’re sober,” MAYBE then people would actually get what you meant. But here we are in 2016, with a bunch of drunk, pansy-men, clicking away on typewriters, while their sad, little man buns bob and weave with each new line of dialogue.

And with that, Oh great literary giant, I shall move forward.

It occurred to me the other day that if we want to get rid of ISIS at a minimal loss, we should draft all the “Alternative Right (subtext: alt WRONG)” people into a special force and let them take care of it. Wait. Let it steep a bit.

Now, do you understand why that’s a brilliant idea? ISIS hates The WEST (I’m not sure, has Swifty trademarked that yet?) and the alt right hates EVERY SINGLE THING that makes life in the USA enjoyable. Clearly, they would fight to the death and we’d be rid of two major issues that have made life completely terrible.

I’m not a details person, so, Mr. Trump, if you read this after you’ve taken office, and you still need a plan (we all know you have NO CLUE what to do about ISIS), call me.